If your romantic partner has a disorganized attachment style (or traits of this style), you may find yourself longing for closeness while also feeling pushed away. This style, sometimes called fearful avoidant attachment, can create confusing relationship dynamics. It is rooted in early experiences where love and fear were intertwined, shaping how a person navigates intimacy as an adult.

At our Toronto-based therapy clinic, we see how challenging this can be for partners who want to love and support someone with disorganized attachment. Our therapists specialize in attachment-focused, trauma-informed, and evidence-based approaches to support both individuals and couples. Whether you are accessing in-person therapy in Toronto or connecting with us virtually across Ontario, we help partners understand these patterns, care for themselves, and foster healthier connection.

“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.”

— Harville Hendrix

What is disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment in adults develops when early caregiving was unpredictable, inconsistent, or frightening. Children in these situations learn to both seek comfort and fear it, which becomes a confusing pattern in adulthood.

In relationships, this often looks like:

Deep desire for closeness but fear of intimacy
Emotional ups and downs, sometimes leading to sudden withdrawal
Difficulty trusting, even when a partner is consistent
Patterns of sabotaging relationships when they feel too safe or too vulnerable

Research has shown that adults with disorganized attachment experience greater challenges in identity development, emotional regulation, and intimacy compared to those with secure attachment (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2016; Paetzold et al., 2015). Recognizing these patterns can help both partners understand that these behaviors are not intentional but rooted in past experiences.

Signs of disorganized attachment in romantic relationships

If your partner has a disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style, you might notice:

Push-pull behavior: moving toward you and then pulling away
Intense fear of abandonment, sometimes expressed as clinginess
Fear of engulfment, where closeness feels threatening
Mood swings and shutdowns, often triggered by emotional intensity
Sabotaging behaviors, like starting arguments when things are going well

These behaviors can be confusing or painful, but they represent an internal conflict between wanting connection and fearing it.

The impact on relationships

Romantic relationships with disorganized attachment can feel unpredictable. For the caregiving partner, this often means feeling responsible for keeping the relationship stable, which can be exhausting.

Research highlights the following challenges:

Increased conflict and emotional stress (Riggs et al., 2007)
Difficulty with trust and long-term stability (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2002)
Repeating cycles of closeness and withdrawal (Paetzold et al., 2015)

Despite these challenges, there is hope. Adults can develop earned secure attachment, where supportive and safe relational experiences help shift attachment patterns toward stability and trust (Roisman et al., 2002).

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

— Viktor Frankl

Practical ways to support a partner with disorganized attachment

If you are in a relationship with someone who has disorganized attachment, these strategies can help you support them while also protecting your own well-being.

1. Build consistency and safety

Keep your words and actions aligned
Follow through on promises, even small ones
Offer gentle reassurance, especially after withdrawal

2. Strengthen communication

Use clear, direct language about your feelings
Validate fears without dismissing them
Share needs calmly, avoiding criticism

3. Encourage self-reflection

Invite your partner to notice patterns in their reactions
Approach conversations with curiosity rather than blame
Normalize that attachment styles can change with awareness and support

4. Support therapy and healing

Encourage individual therapy, particularly attachment-based psychotherapy (such as AEDP)
Suggest couples therapy (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy) if the relationship feels stuck
Celebrate small moments of growth and self-awareness

5. Care for yourself, too

Recognize this as one of the most important pieces in supporting a healthy dynamic
Set boundaries that honor your limits
Seek your own therapy or support from our specialized team
Remember that you can be supportive but cannot “fix” your partner

A balanced approach: What helps + what hurts

Helpful approaches

Patience and emotional steadiness
Consistency in words and actions
Compassion toward yourself and your partner
Encouragement of therapy and safe support systems

Less helpful approaches

Criticism or shaming for attachment-related behaviors
Inconsistency that mirrors instability
Expecting quick or dramatic change
Neglecting your own well-being

The role of compassion in secure relationships

Attachment science shows that healing from disorganized attachment does not happen in isolation. Even one secure and supportive relationship can create powerful opportunities for emotional repair and resilience (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). If you are the more secure or stable partner, your steady presence can give your loved one new experiences of safety that begin to shift fearful avoidant attachment patterns. At the same time, it is important to remember that no partner can take on the entire work of healing.

Receiving compassion (from yourself and others) is essential here, especially since the push/pull of their attachment patterns can lead a partner to feel confusion, exhaustion, and a feeling of not being able to get it right. When in relationship with someone exhibiting disorganized attachment traits, building your own self compassion can go a long was in buffering the aforementioned impacts. Practicing mindfulness, using gentle affirmations, or journaling can help to reduce self-criticism and build inner security. Additionally, relying on close friends, family, or communities of emotional safety can also help you feel bolstered and keep your inner cup filled. This combination of supportive relationships and self-compassion helps lay the foundation for healthier intimacy within the partnership itself.

Over time, the balance of a secure relationship and intentional self-care can transform both individuals and the relationship itself. This is the path toward greater trust, emotional balance, and lasting connection. For many couples, support from a trained therapist (such as our Toronto-based clinic or through online therapy across Ontario) can strengthen this healing process and offer new tools for resilience.

How our therapists can help

Navigating a relationship with disorganized attachment can feel isolating, but you do not have to do it alone. At our Toronto therapy office, and through secure online therapy across Ontario, our team at Amanda Neves Therapy offers:

Attachment-focused therapy to explore relationship patterns
Trauma-informed carevestherapy.com/trauma that addresses the roots of disorganized attachment
Evidence-based interventions for emotional regulation and relational healing, such as AEDP, IFS, and EFT
Support for partners and caregivers, helping you care for yourself as you support your loved one

We know that being in a relationship with someone who has disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment can take a toll. Our therapists are here to provide compassionate support tailored to your needs.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

— Carl Jung

Moving forward

Disorganized attachment can make romantic relationships feel unstable, but it does not define the future. With compassion, consistency, and the right kind of support, partners can move toward greater trust and security.

If you are supporting someone with disorganized attachment, remember that your needs matter too. At Amanda Neves Therapy, we specialize in attachment and trauma-focused therapy, helping both individuals and caregivers find stability and strength.

Whether you are looking for in-person therapy in Toronto or virtual therapy anywhere in Ontario, we are here to walk alongside you. Reach out today by booking a consultation or filling out our Therapist Matching Form (Meet Your Match), and begin building healthier, more connected relationships, starting with yourself.

References

Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2016). Attachment disorganization: Genetic factors, parenting contexts, and developmental transformation from infancy to adulthood. Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications, 3, 667–695.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Paetzold, R. L., Rholes, W. S., & Kohn, J. L. (2015). Disorganized attachment in adulthood: Theory, measurement, and implications for romantic relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 73, 224–229.
Riggs, S. A., Paulson, A., Tunnell, E., Sahl, G., Atkison, H., & Ross, C. A. (2007). Attachment, personality, and psychopathology among adult inpatients: Self-reported romantic attachment style versus Adult Attachment Interview states of mind. Development and Psychopathology, 19(1), 263–291.
Roisman, G. I., Padron, E., Sroufe, L. A., & Egeland, B. (2002). Earned‐secure attachment status in retrospect and prospect. Child Development, 73(4), 1204–1219.
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4(2), 133–161.