Happy New Year and welcome to the first issue from Garden of Insight! It is my hope that through this platform you will have access to mental health content that is relatable, informative, and sometimes humorous, as we all progress through the ebbs and flows of the human condition.

The timing of this first issue could not be more auspicious. New year, new decade, new venture. A few months ago, when I thought about spending more time providing private therapy, I decided to make a website that delivers mental health and well-being content in an approachable way. That was early last year. Clearly I procrastinated on my goal, but why? As I sit here, writing for folks I have never met but hope to reach, I reflect on new beginnings, the self-doubt that arises from them, and what the latest research suggests to do about it.

“Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

— Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac

Why oh why can taking a leap and making a change be such a hard thing? Take coming to counselling for the first time. I have had many conversations where clients shared how difficult it was to choose a therapist from the many available in Toronto and East York, let alone make the choice to show up. New beginnings can be tough for everyone, but why is that?

Years ago, one of my clinical supervisors shared with me a way of thinking about change. Although not in these exact words, in my mind it went a little something like this:

There are two mountains, and the one you are on is on fire. You know it is unhelpful, unproductive, and uncomfortable. You are on fire, and you are not having a good time. Maybe your motivation is low, maybe you are feeling overwhelmingly sad or anxious. Or maybe you are stuck in a rut, wanting a fresh start, but having a tough time getting going.

Across the gaping valley you can fully visualize another, equally staggering mountain. This mountain is different. It is airy, bright, and there is room to breathe. This mountain is healthy and full of growth and peace. Between your mountain of doom and the mountain of your dreams is a rickety old bridge. You have been told that others have gone before you, to just “buck up” and take the risk. But for some reason, even the thought of a better place and space can be discouraging and downright terrifying. And then come the thoughts. “What if I try but don’t make it across?” “What kind of person would I be if I were to even get there?” “Will I like that me?” As a result, the mountain of fire and brimstone ends up being a sort of safe haven, predictable in its danger and chaos.

Of course, there is no real rickety bridge, and you are not attempting to climb every mountain like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. But this parable can be very relatable to what a person might go through when deciding to make a change. The mountain of fire can be anything from continuing to engage in an unhealthy relationship to the perceived inability to change careers. At its best, we call this self-doubt.

What Psychology Says About Self-Doubt

Self-doubt describes an uncertainty with one’s competence or capacity (Braslow, Guerrettaz, Arkin, & Oleson, 2012). Left unattended, self-doubt can morph into “learned helplessness,” a psychological term that notes a state of acceptance of immobility: the belief that “this is as good as it is going to get, so why bother trying.”

Several coping strategies that might help relieve feelings of inadequacy or discomfort in the moment actually shackle a person further to their mountain of doom. These include substance use or procrastination. Coined “self-handicaps,” these behaviours act as obstacles to success, which helps blame the reason for failing on something other than one’s capacity, sparing a person’s self-esteem (Berglas & Jones, 1978; Oleson & Arkin,1994).

As a dear client of mine once stated, there is no problem out there that alcohol cannot make worse. That pesky, fiery, self-perpetuating mountain.

Now what?

What Can Help When Facing Change?

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”

— Vincent Willem van Gogh

First off, apprehension to change and the experience of self-doubt is normal. In fact, small doses of self-doubt have been shown to increase motivation and have a positive impact on performance (Woodman, Akehurst, Hardy, & Beattie, 2010). Knowing that uncertainty can be expected, it is important to stay grounded while sitting with these uncomfortable emotions. Practicing mindfulness is a great way to ride the waves of appropriate, although difficult, emotions.

Managing expectations and what they mean in relation to the self is also critical. If I expect to be on my paradise mountain tomorrow, it is not going to happen. I may feel overwhelmed, ill-equipped, and unprepared, which will only increase anxiety and lower motivation. Instead, adopting the mindset of “slow and steady wins the race” can ease unnecessary pressure and not make a person feel like they failed before even starting.

One of my favourite yoga instructors operates from the belief that a shift of 2 degrees may take you a lot further than trying for a complete 180-degree change. In other words, if you expect to do the splits in one day, you may experience frustration, get hurt, or give up. But showing up consistently with small steps might someday get you there. Perhaps even adopting the seemingly radical idea that you have the capacity to make the complete shift, but that your self-worth is not tied to whether you get there tomorrow or five years from now.

Research also notes the positive impact of mental flexibility on self-doubt, where our ideas about self and the world are less rigid and more malleable (Zhao, Wichman, & Frishberg, 2019). In therapy, one way we work this mental muscle is through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which has been validated as effective for self-doubt and low self-esteem (Pack & Condren, 2014; Kolubinski, Frings, Nikcevic, Lawrence, & Spada, 2018). This approach highlights how our thoughts, behaviours, and emotions impact our experience. Catching unhelpful thought patterns and instead speaking to yourself in more encouraging language can help fend off some of the difficult emotions that follow those thoughts. This can sound like, “You have got this,” “One step at a time,” or anything in between.

Lastly, seek comfort and validation in your community, whether that person is your classmate, coworker, family member, or therapist. The science of attachment suggests that humans thrive in connection with others. There is nothing like the active listening, acceptance, and encouragement of another to shake some of the self-doubt jitters.

Therapy in Toronto’s East York and Online Across Ontario

If you are thinking about starting therapy in East York, Toronto, or through online counselling across Ontario, know that it is completely normal to feel both hesitant and hopeful. At Amanda Neves Therapy, we offer trauma therapy, attachment-based therapy, and somatic psychotherapy for adults navigating self-doubt, anxiety, and life transitions. Connect with us here to be matched with the best therapist for you.

The first step may feel like standing on that shaky bridge, but together we can build tools for grounding, compassion, and resilience so that healing feels possible, one step at a time.

References

Berglas, S., & Jones, E. E. (1978). Drug choice as a self‐handicapping strategy in response to noncontingent success. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36, 405–417.

Braslow, M. D., Guerrettaz, J., Arkin, R. M., Oleson, K. C. (2012). Self-doubt. Social and personality psychology compass, 6(6), 470-482.

Kolubinski, D. C., Frings, D., Nikcevic, A. V., Lawrence, J. A., & Spada, M. M. (2018). A systematic review and meta-analysis of CBT interventions based on the fennell model of low self-esteem. Psychiatry Research, 267(Complete), 296-305. doi:10.1016/j.psychres.2018.06.025

Oleson, K. C., & Arkin, R. M. (1994). More than ingratiating. Retrospective review of E. E. Jones (1964) Ingratiation. Contemporary psychology, 39, 455–458.

Pack, S., & Condren, E. (2014). An evaluation of group cognitive behaviour therapy for low self-esteem in primary care. The Cognitive Behaviour Therapist, 7, E7. doi:10.1017/S1754470X14000051

Woodman, T., Akehurst, S., Hardy, L., & Beattie, S. (2010). Self-confidence and performance: A little self-doubt helps. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 11(6), 467–470. DOI:10.1016/j.psychsport.2010.05.009

Zhao, Q., Wichman, A., & Frishberg, E. (2019). Self-doubt effects depend on beliefs about ability: Experimental evidence. The Journal of General Psychology, 146(3), 299-324, DOI: 10.1080/00221309.2019.1585320